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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Gay in Sri Lanka

What is it like to be gay in Sri Lanka today? Better today than it was before, right?

If nothing else you can at least know that you are not alone.With the Internet and networking it is possible to find a partner, at least for a tryst.

And the tried and true methods are still there, too--a revealing look into the eyes of a passing stranger, a fortuitous brush against another on a crowded city bus or simply loitering in the dark shadows of a familiar haunt.

One need not wallow in the despair of thinking one is alone.

And when the urge hits there are more ways than ever to make contact with another of similar persuasion.

Even more promising is the fact that in the wider world things like gay rights, gay marriage, gay liberation, etc. are being pushed for and having some impact in even the most remote of places.


So, to be gay today in Sri Lanka--or almost anywhere in the world--is a much better proposition than it was in the past.



But there is more, or should I not say, less to the story than this...

It is still difficult in Sri Lanka to be different from what is thought to be the norm. This is so, whether in regard to sex, politics or any other facet of human expression.

It is still especially hard in regard to sexual matters, whether one is gay, wants to get a divorce, or wants simply to engage in sexual relations without being married.

Anything considered different from the norm or tradition is treated as taboo.

And while everyone knows that people do have sex outside of the bounds of marriage and do have friends or acquaintances who are gay or lesbian, such a thing would never happen in our family, with my husband or wife or with my own son or daughter.



That BULLSHIT that we regard as TRADITION or CULTURE is still alive and kicking in Sri Lanka, as it is in most traditional societies around the world despite the revolutionary changes taking place elsewhere.

For all intents and purposes, the only viable option for the gay person in Sri Lanka is to continue to live that sweet old-fashioned lie--get married, have the kids and then secretly lead a second life, all the more easily now thanks to the Internet.

Just shut up and cower, and do as parents and society say. Forsake who you are and live the golden lie!

How sick is that?? But this is the ruse that traditional societies impose on their populations, rather than accept the truth that sexuality is a multi-faceted and many-splendored thing.

In the end, the gay man or woman suffers from all the frustration and pretense that has long been his or her fate.

The opposite sex partner suffers as well in a loveless marriage with higher risk of sexually-transmitted disease. And the children of such a union suffer from the consequences of the eventual disintegration of the marriage, or worse yet seeing the lie exposed in public.



Social Networking to the Rescue...

Not! The Internet, in all its prowess, is not able to fix this dilemma. It instead creates an illusion of some sort of social revolution.



Facebook has seemingly changed the game, making it possible to have a countless number of new friends. But, these are not friends at all, rather once again the random stranger brushed up against on a crowded bus.

As much a thrill as either of these experiences might be, the stranger you meet on the bus or the one you friend online is little more than a short-lived treat.



Facebook allows us to make dozens of such connections in a single sitting--like adding sweets to a candy dish. One needn't even spend a dime or get up out of his chair. It doesn't get any easier than this, nor any more superficial.



Yet this is not an answer to our predicament.

It instead fixes us ever more firmly in the cycle of pursuing unfulfilling, fleeting liaisons.

It makes it all the more easy to live that double life, rather than liberating us to be who we really are.





tempting, yet risky liaisons


Why bother with fighting with anyone to come out of the closet when we can now operate more easily than ever from within the closet?




To Do or Not to Do

There is no short cut to the real revolution that must take place. Gay men and women, boys and girls, have to forsake the path of tradition, which is fraught with deceit, denial and personal misery. There is no substitute for the bitter pill of just saying no--no to marriage, no to parents and siblings and no to a society that tries to lead us down the path of ruin for the sake of tradition.

A step forward means just saying no. And if it is too hard to do that, then don't attempt to give any reason for your decision.

     Just say No!

srilankanmale.blogspot.com

My Story: The Gay Movement in Sri Lanka
A Sunday Leader biographical account by Sherman Anthony De Rose


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85 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My partner has had to face every concievable pressure from his familly over the past twelve years we have been together.Coming from a village with so many relations in close proximity the extended family has often been a burden.Unfortunately I have come to believe that denial is te coping mechanism local people use with disastrous results.If the familly can push/force someone into marriage they will do so,that way they can deny anything is different.My guy has had many marriage proposals put his way over the years even though we live in the same house we built in the village when we are there.The worst time being when one Aunty brought two sisters to our house and made a proposal for either of them.However that has all stopped now. His familly do not accept thet we can be having a relationship so by avoiding any suggestion of it they are mostly in denial.Some of his younger relations , male and female are quite aware of our situation and very accepting indeed,though never discussed.
We know several people who are gay and married,this was what my guy believed was the norm for several years after we met.With the support of my familly he has learned that we can exist quite hapilly without familly approval which for him was unimaginable.
The ultimate event that finally proved to him the legitimacy of our relationship was our civil partnership in the UK where underthe law of the land we have almost as many rights as a heterosexual couple.

Saturday, June 18, 2011 12:47:00 PM  
Blogger B.D. said...

12 years is a very long time! Are both of you Sri Lankan or is one of you foreign? i would always advocate not getting married, but that is easier said then done, I know. But when the pressure is on one needs to first accept himself in order to withstand it. Part of the problem is that a lot of gay guys or gals probably never successfully make that crucial step of accepting themselves.

Saturday, June 18, 2011 1:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am european and he is Sri Lankan.He believed that in order to maintain family unity it is best for people to just get married.This I believe is a reflection on the way women are treated in the country. However once we talked about how wrong it is to live that lie to your family,yourself, wife ,and children it is fundamentally wrong.Can also create more than one unhappy life on innocents such as a badly treated wife, unhappy homelife impacting on children etc . Also there is the fear of being cast out from the family and extended family,the shame , something Sri Lankans fear most,and public ridicule. My man does on occasion have the "Porniya" word thrown his way by the odd local but he rises above all of that.

Sunday, June 19, 2011 4:09:00 PM  
Blogger B.D. said...

I understand your and his situation. It helps to have a partner to lean on for support, but sometimes even that may seem not enough. Ultimately one has to develop thick skin. Or we (they) have to consider ourselves the trailblazers, the generation that puts itself on the line for slow but steady change. Sherman De Rose seems to have been one who took that course.

Monday, June 20, 2011 12:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don' hide your self.... you are like queen but no crown of glory but full of agony.
to be happy is only once in a life time... better to enjoy your life to the fullest.
sri lankan guy are very lovable, but they don't want to show their love to the public.
It's hidden, but strong and sounds good to love sri lankan guys.

Saturday, October 22, 2011 10:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a secret relationship of a sri lanka guy. He is honest and lovable person.
I love him very much,,,, and I knew he loved me too. But he doesn't want to know
our secret affair. we love each other.... but he cannot open up even to his friends.
because of his culture and belief....what's now the effect of culture and belief if
you are not happy. I love him so much....

Saturday, October 22, 2011 10:13:00 PM  
Blogger B.D. said...

I think you have a number of options in such a situation.

1) Just let things be as they are... you love him, he loves you and in some way, however small, you are able to share this love. So just keep sharing your love in your hidden way. That's the easy way, and you can continue in this way as long as you are living in proximity to each other.

2) Come up with a real, viable plan of how the two of you can be together, away from his family or relatives. Viable meaning economic. Can you and he both get jobs in a different part of Sri Lanka or overseas? I know jobs are tough in Sri Lanka, but seriously you could relocate to say Kandy or Galle and both of you find a way to have an income away from controlling relatives. Start a tour guide partnership, become school or tuition teachers...

3) Don't decide anything on your own. Discuss the whole complicated matter with your friend and then the two of you come up with a solution. Make the process of figuring out what to do a thing to strengthen and deepen your relationship.

Good luck!

Sunday, October 23, 2011 12:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Saturday, December 10, 2011 3:23:00 PM  
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Sunday, January 15, 2012 1:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you are gay and your parents force you to get married; please do not ever get married. I know as a gay man married and suffering in my own hell. My family life is also very hard and I can't come to sleep with my wife anymore. I want to suiside and too much pressure from my parents for my troubled married life to work out. I even feel as killing my family and my self sometimes.

Friday, January 20, 2012 3:06:00 PM  
Blogger B.D. said...

^^ Thank you for sharing this. I hope anyone on the verge of a forced marriage will read and take note of what you say. Marriage does not belong to parents, in-laws or anyone except the two individuals doing it. There are ways to show devotion and responsibility toward parents, but marriage is not one of them. Why don't you just leave your marriage? It doesn't matter who you hurt in the process as long as you get some sanity and self-control back in your life. Good luck.

Friday, January 20, 2012 5:44:00 PM  
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Friday, February 24, 2012 7:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I am a 100% gay. Today I became a good actor in front of my parents, relations and society. I am not so happy about the situation in SL. Last 7y I searched my lifetime partner in FB,Gay Romio,Guys for men.....etc.I found lot of partners for sex. I am not a sex hunter and waiting for a honest lifetime partner. I never tried to pay my attention to sex with strange gay guys. I believe there is a partner for me. I respect and believe the lifetime relationship with two guys. Last 7y I found various people who are serious in gay relationship. 50% of them finally accept marriage to a girl. Other 25% loos the enthusiasm to continue the relationship. other rest of guys are Bi sexual. With the series of fallers god gave me courage to live. Even though I am a Buddhist I respect all religions. Every night I pray to god to give me right to love to one person forever.

Sometimes i feel that my life is cursed. Most of the gay community in SL pay their attention to sex. In such situation i had a doubt that i can reach to my goal. All are asking are you top or bottom?? do you have a place???? I never give up my dreams. Finally I found my lifetime partner. We two are well educated guys. I am doing my postgraduate studies and he also doing the same. As soon as we finish it we decided to migrate to any country which accept gay marriage. We want to marry there and run a cam a quite life there. We two want to share our life with each other till death. Now I feel I am so lucky. My life is not cursed. If you know any gay society helping couples to marry where the same sex marriages are accepted, please let me know. We have one year to prepare for this. Frankly we two need help from some society to make our dreams success. Please if someone knows any institute helping to get married for gays please send me a email to hansaka1986@yahoo.com. These days we are planing our future.

As a gay who is coming from very traditional background i want to give you an advise. Please never get married to a girl if you are 100% gay. You will ruin your life as well as destroy the future of innocent woman. You will be a guilty husband and father soon. follow your heart never ever give up your dreams. Never go behind sex. Do not try to satisfy society and relations via married to a woman. There are very few people who are waiting for true life lasting relationship. Try harder and harder. wonderful life is waiting for you. Trust your faith....

Sunday, February 26, 2012 10:28:00 PM  
Blogger B.D. said...

^^ Thanks for sharing your story. It helps to know how and what other people are doing to lead their life, especially as a gay person. I agree with you 100% that people should not do things to satisfy family or society while denying themselves. It is too high a price to pay for oneself and for others affected. But I do blame society for pushing people to make these wrong choices. And some of us make mistakes and we should be able to forgive ourselves for making wrong choices. In such a case the individual needs not despair but find a way to make the best of their current situation, whatever it is. (I guess I'm preaching too much.) About those who seek sex--well, I think it is just too superficial. What we all need and really want is not sex but understanding and appreciation from others and the opportunity to give and share love--not sex.

Sunday, February 26, 2012 10:52:00 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Friday, March 02, 2012 10:32:00 PM  
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Wednesday, March 07, 2012 1:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Hello, I'm just a 16 year old girl who moved from Sri Lanka to Sweden, and as far as I know, I'm heterosexual. I thought about this and wanted to know more about the right of LGBT (Lesbian,gay,bisexual,transexual) people in Sri Lanka. Here in Sweden, homosexuality is very well accepted and I sincerely hope that Sri Lanka can come as far and farther. Keep on fighting for the LGBT right in SL! Thank you for this blog and spreading awareness.

Monday, March 19, 2012 5:44:00 AM  
Blogger B.D. said...

^^Thank you for the comment. I'll admit this blog has a gay male bent, but the problems faced by individuals in traditional societies is universally experienced by other same-sex oriented persons and transexuals. So, we all should come together on this. But look at how long it is taking and how slowly things or changing in a country as progressive as the US. I wonder what hope there is that the situation in SL will improve anytime soon. That said, I encourage every LGBT individual in Sri Lanka to stand up for his/her own rights, rather than suffer in silence.

Monday, March 19, 2012 7:32:00 PM  
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Monday, March 26, 2012 2:45:00 PM  
Blogger B.D. said...

^^ What's your email address?

Monday, March 26, 2012 8:20:00 PM  
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Thursday, March 29, 2012 3:33:00 PM  
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Take care guys!!!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012 3:26:00 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. I'm a Srilankan guy. I'm 27 and I live in Europe, but my family strictly follows srilankan trditions and culture as well. I had a story with guy for 8 moths and it came difficult due to my family restrictions. I have to tell everything to my parents. They want to know where I go ecce.. and to see each other is very difficult. I had a chat with my family doctor who is very friendly with my parents. She adviced me to not to speak with my parents about my new life, because they will never understand and accept homosexuality.
Now I feel alone and its very bad to feel that I lost my love due to my family restrictions.

Saturday, January 05, 2013 3:26:00 AM  
Blogger B.D. said...

^^ Hi there Anonymous (JANUARY 05, 2013 3:26:00 AM). Just a quick comment on what sounds like a bit of distress from you. HANG IN THERE. You'll find some moments are really hard, but then things pick up and other moments are much better. Believe or not, TIME does heal a lot of things. In time you'll learn ways to deal with the pressures you face. In time you'll figure out the best choices to make. In time, those misguided people in your life will move on to other things and other people to inflict pain on. So don't let the down moments get you down too much. Wait it out and let time and other people and other resources work things out for you. Good luck.

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Wednesday, November 20, 2013 8:54:00 PM  
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Sunday, March 02, 2014 11:38:00 PM  
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x

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014 3:43:00 AM  

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